36 years ago… May 16, 2006
Posted by dorigo in personal.trackback
36 years ago a stamp was placed on top of the first name of my mother in a letter sent to her; because of that stamp the letter was incorrectly opened by my father. That was the initiator of a chain of events that would bring my parents to a painful separation three years afterwards, and then to a divorce.
The separation of my parents was a cause of anxiety and lack of serenity for me and my brothers. I was the youngest – four years old when things started to go downhill, and seven when they parted - and maybe the less affected by the events, since I did not understand very well what was going on in my family. My brothers Paolo and Martino are 7 and 5 years older than me, and they lived the shattering of the family with more discomfort. But I remember that during those years, and for a couple more thereafter, I used to wet my bed during the night, a telltale sign that something made me insecure and anxious.
When I grew older, I of course understood better what had happened to my family, and yet I never ventured to investigate on the events that had brought my parents apart. It was as if there had been well enough pain for the actors of that play, and any recollection would only reopen healed scars.
Yesterday, though, my father discussed the matter with me. Unfortunately he does not have a lot more to live, and he wants to put order in his affairs – both materially, by taking decisions on his archive, his legacy, and his possessions, and metaphorically. He had invited me to ask him about his relationship with my mother long ago, but I had never wanted to undertake that discussion; however, yesterday I yielded.
Should a man, when his life is coming to an end, try to look back with a detached eye to his past, and attempt a critical evaluation of the good and the bad that he has done ? And does it do any good to himself if he brings himself to pardon his offenders for the pain they caused him ?
I think the above question is very personal, and depends both on one's own religious beliefs -if one has any-, on one's own moral beliefs, and on one's own sense of justice. I for sure cannot suggest a solution of that riddle to my father, although I do know what I would like him to do….
While one cannot make decisions for others, I can,perhaps, offer a bit of wisdom. Forgiveness benefits the offender but little, but it can benefit the victim immensely, freeing him from the burden of maintain anger.
We don’t know the details, but in the abscence of more information, I think it was probably the loving thing for your father to share the information with you. Knowing the truth is usually better than guessing it.
I say this from very different family situation involving my mother’s adoption. Sharing the truth, which wasn’t so terrible, would have set a lot of people free.
What this means for your father I can’t guess. At this point, whatever gives him peace.
Thank you both for your comments… I agree with Riqie’s comment and also agree that knowledge of the truth is always the recipe for mutual understanding.
T.